Gaza Strip, Judea — In a rare public appearance Jesus of Nazareth spoke to a small group of followers in Gaza today. The self-styled “King of the Jews”1 and Prince of Peace opened His mouth and said something in Aramaic2 so no one could understand.3 Translators from the Concordant Literal Bible Company tell us He said, “Quit Israel,” but translators from the Living Bible Translation Company said He meant “Leave Israel Alone,” making it unclear which side the Appointer of Borders4 supported. Jesus continued speaking, now in His native language, English, and said:
“You’ve heard it said, God blesses those who bless Israel and curses those who curse Israel, but I say unto you, Not everyone who says they are ‘Israel’ are actually Israel,” alluding to chapter 9 of a letter St. Paul wrote to Roman Jewish and Goyim Christians. Jesus struggled for several minutes attempting to find a biblical reference to the original saying in this copy of the NIV to no avail.
Jesus further remarked, “You’ve heard it said, Palestinians are animals, and should be treated like animals, and No food, water or electricity for dogs, but I say unto you, A righteous man regards the life of his beast5 and Even dogs are fed scraps from the table.”6 While Jesus quoted a Jewish Proverb in retort in the first instance, the Creator of All Mankind quoted a Shiksa from Canaan in the later part, which some suggest implies Jesus thinks non-Jewish people’s voices should be heard.
A Jewish contingent told Jesus, “Moses set aside for IsraelI from the river Euphrates, including all the land of the Hittites, even to the great western sea,”7 pulling out an ancient scroll lacking notarization or reference to the liber or folio location for the Registrar of Deeds to validate the claim. The One Greater Than Moses8 considered how closely the Israeli and “overtly racist” Palestinian claims were, then unironically said, “God drove out the inhabitants of this land to give it forever to the descendants of Abraham.”9 The Prescient One called them both small minded and said, “The meek shall inherit all the earth” and “Abraham and his offspring shall inherit the earth.” Some allege Jesus’ first point plagiarized an obscure verse in the Sermon on the Mount. However, since the verse was only in one Gospel, Higher Critics could not substantiate anyone actually said it before. The second quote is clearly another reference to St. Paul’s letter to the Romans, chapter 4:13, demonstrating how much influence Paul’s antisemitism had on the Jewish Messiah. Without hesitation, Jesus’ Rastafarian followers, empowered by faith, rendered praise to God, Romans 4:20, then lit up a joint they called “Ezekiel 37.”10
Concerned too many non-whites were getting so much of Jesus’ attention,11 Evangelical Christians informed the Lamb of God, “You can’t be here until the New Temple is built in Jerusalem and Jews can ‘do sacrifice’ to You.” Feigning unfamiliarity with apocryphal Book of LeHaye, The Omniscient One said, “Abraham by faith sought a city with no foundations, whose builder and maker was God.”12 Uncomfortable with Jesus citing a book obviously intended for Hebrews, Fundies insisted there would be literal victory over evil by 1988 1991 1993 1994 1995 1999 2000 2024 2007 2011 2026 so Jesus could sit on His throne and put all His enemies under His feet. The Incarnate One responded, “But will God actually dwell with men upon the earth? For see, even heaven, yes the highest heaven, cannot contain God, how much less a house built by human hands.”13 Unfamiliar with such Old Testimonies,14 the Evangelicals reminded themselves, “Nothing good comes from Nazareth,”15 turned their backs on Him, and prayed for His salvation. Environmentalists, otherwise not listening to the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe16, scoffed at how few failed “dooms day” predictions the fundamentalists could manage.
After covering topics from A to Z,17 at a predetermined18 time the Ineffable One, as if running out of things to say, concluded His remarks by saying, “I mean, forgetting the fact when I left my pre-incarnate Glory behind in Heaven19 I appeared in Jerusalem in a meat suit20 and told the people there I was the literal Word of God, they didn’t believe me and had me killed,21 just like they did to all the prophets I sent before me,22 and would probably do again if I keep reaching out to them.23 Or that after another 4024 years of my followers telling people the Temple would be destroyed because the smell of the burnt offerings were making God sick25. Or that I used the Romans to pull the Temple down so God could be worshiped ‘In Spirit and in Truth.’26 I seriously wonder how many Christmas Eve candlelight vigils someone can go to before they will realize I was literally born in the Palestine. It’s lost on Me … and I ‘know all men’s hearts’27 … why Evangelicals think raining hell fire missiles on anyone is somehow God’s will. I remember arguing once with two friends who offered to pray to God to rain fire down from heaven on some Palestinians. I had to remind them then, and I remind you now in Authoritative King James English, Ye know not what manner of spirit ye are of. For the Son of man is not come to destroy men's lives, but to save them.”28 After thunderous29 applause from local Coptic and Orthodox Christians, and 15330 Nations of the UN (the exact number of fishes caught by Peter immediately prior to his Restoration),31 Jesus said if He could have made his voice appear red when He spoke, “That would’ve been really cool, and maybe then people would listen.”
“Then said the chief priests of the Jews to Pilate, Write not, The King of the Jews; but that he said, I am King of the Jews.” John 19:21
All Scripture references are to the only acceptable English version of the Bible, the “Authorized Version” or “King James Version, as that translation is better than all the previous translations, all translations since, and even better than Bibles in the original languages. See here.
“Therefore speak I to them in parables: because they seeing see not; and hearing they hear not, neither do they understand.” Matthew 13:13
“[God] hath determined the times before appointed, and the bounds of their habitation.” Acts of the Apostles 17.26
Proverbs 12:10
Matthew 15:27; Mark 7:28
Joshua 1:4
Hebrews 3:3
2 Chronicles 20:7-9; Psalm 105:4-6; Isaiah 41:8-16
“The hand of the LORD was upon me, and carried me out in the spirit of the LORD, and set me down in the midst of the valley which was full of bones.” Ezekiel 37:1
“Send [the Canaanite woman] away.“ Matthew 15:23; “And Miriam and Aaron spake against Moses because of the Ethiopian woman whom he had married: for he had married an Ethiopian woman.” Numbers 12:1
Hebrews 11:10
2 Chronicles 6:18
“For if you believed Moses, you would believe me; for he wrote of me.” John 5:46 (ESV)
John 1:46
“He is before all things, and by him all things consist.” Colossians 1:17
“And there are also many other things which Jesus did, the which, if they should be written every one, I suppose that even the world itself could not contain the books that should be written. Amen.” John 21:25
“But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship” Galatians 4:4.
“Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.” Philippians 2:5-8.
“But they cried, saying, Crucify him, crucify him.” Luke 23.21. Cf. “for had they known it, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory.” 1 Corinthians 2:8b.
“O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, which killest the prophets, and stonest them that are sent unto thee.” Luke 13:34.
“Go ahead, then, and complete what your ancestors started!” Matthew 23:32 (NIV).
“Jesus left the temple and was walking away when his disciples came up to him to call his attention to its buildings. And Jesus said unto them, See ye not all these things? verily I say unto you, There shall not be left here one stone upon another, that shall not be thrown down. … Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled.” Matthew 24:1-2, 34 emphasis added
“I am sick of your burnt offerings of rams and the fat of fattened cattle” Isaiah 1:11 (NLT)
John 4:23
“Thou, Lord, which knowest the hearts of all men, shew whether of these two thou hast chosen.” Acts of the Apostles 1:24.
Luke 9:54
“And James the son of Zebedee, and John the brother of James; and he surnamed them Boanerges, which is, The sons of thunder” Mark 3:17
US increasingly alone in Israel support as 153 countries vote for ceasefire at UN. Ed Pilkington (New York) The Guardian, December 12, 2023
“So Simon Peter climbed back into the boat and dragged the net ashore. It was full of large fish, 153” John 21:11
It’s a tribal conflict, and both of them will do tribal, 7th century bs from here until eternity. But I don’t see why American tax dollars should fund this bloodshed.
I’m with you on the tax dollars thing, but at the end of the day, I think only states make war … people, if left to themselves, figure it how to get along